This is one of the most bothersome phrases I have heard lately. That is, when it refers to someone other than parents, and specifically childcare providers during the day while parents are working. To be fair, it seems to be mostly used by the older generations, who I suppose are still not used to the idea that it is now quite common for mothers to have employment outside the home. But that doesn’t make it less bothersome, or less incorrect (Is that a double negative? Whatever).
I guess this really depends on what you think of as raising children. To me, it’s a lot more than taking care of their basic needs like food, naps, or what have you. It’s loving them as only parents can. It’s instilling in them your values for living, and hoping they grow up with similar ones. It’s molding and shaping them as part of your family, your flesh and blood. It’s taking ultimate responsibility for them. It’s knowing that you’re where the buck stops. And I’m not even a parent. If I was, I’m sure I could write a whole dissertation on what raising children is. But even with my limited exposure to the subject, I tend to think that anyone who thinks that raising children is all-encompassed by providing their basic needs for a few hours a day, is really missing the point.
I really think “letting someone else raise your children” is used to try to make working moms feel guilty. To make them feel like they’re passing off their responsibilities to someone outside the family. To make them think they’re less of a parent because they don’t stay home. I’m not sure why people feel the need to do this, but apparently they do. I’m not sure how it benefits anyone to accuse someone else of letting another person raise their kids. Maybe it’s our own human tendency to tear other down so we feel built up.
Recently someone was talking to me about her former job at a daycare. She remarked on how bad she felt for the kids that were being left there, and how sad it was that she “became their mom” (her words exactly) while the parents were at work. I think I just mumbled something and tried to change the subject, because if I had spoken my mind, it would not have been pretty.
And I have to wonder, why do we not accuse parents who send their children to school during the day of letting someone else raise them? Why do we not accuse parents who take advantage of part time care situations like Mother’s Day Out or preschools of letting someone else raise the children? What exactly is the criteria for parents to be letting someone else raise their children? Puzzling questions, these.
Rachael - Rae_anna46 | 26-Aug-07 at 4:32 pm | Permalink
Well, I don’t think I’m the only one raising my kids - I subscribe to the ‘it takes a village’ philosophy. While Nick and I are the primary influences in David’s life, I know our parents, relatives, teachers (school, preschool, Sunday School), pastores, etc… are also taking part in his growth and development and influence and building into his life.
From my standpoint, I wouldn’t have a problem saying that the people who watch my child during the week are taking part in raising him - they are. They’re just not the PRIMARY raisers of my child - the parents are the primary influence.
That’s where I think the naysayers are wrong - they act as if it’s an either-or proposition. EITHER you as the parent do 100% of the childrearing, OR you’re ‘letting others raise your children’ as if you have no involvement whatsoever and have lost your primary influence on their life.
In terms of these questions you posed at the bottom - You haven’t hung out in homeschooling circles often b/c there are a lot of Christian homeschooling parents who would answer a big YES WE DO to those questions - they ask parents who public school “Why would you let the anti-christian government raise your children?” So in a sense they are consistent in that they are against any schooling/child care that takes place outside the family until children are adults (and even then…some families are against higher education for these same reasons)
“Why do we not accuse parents who send their children to school during the day of letting someone else raise them? Why do we not accuse parents who take advantage of part time care situations like Mother’s Day Out or preschools of letting someone else raise the children?”
Rachael - Rae_anna46 | 26-Aug-07 at 4:35 pm | Permalink
I just reread my post and the bottom portion sounds a bit harsh - I didn’t mean to imply “You aren’t around Christian homeschooleres” in a snarky way. I was just wanting to point out that there are segments of Christianity that do embrace those arguments fully (though i disagree with them, I do move in those circles and run into them).
Emily | 26-Aug-07 at 5:31 pm | Permalink
That makes sense if you’re talking about homeschoolers (in that it’s consistent with the comments against daycare). Only thing is, most of the people I hear these comments from aren’t homeschoolers. I don’t think you were being snarky - it’s true I don’t run in homeschooling circles so those issues aren’t in the front of my mind.
I don’t disagree that it takes a village. My point is pretty much what you were saying in the third paragraph - that those “you’re letting others raise your child” folks imply that the parents have somehow abdicated their primary responsibility.
holly | 26-Aug-07 at 8:02 pm | Permalink
My mom says the “raise your child” thing regarding other people. She was a SAHM and harsh on working mothers when I was growing up (but is supportive of me working because my DH stays at home because our child is at home with a parent).
What exactly is the criteria for parents to be letting someone else raise their children?
Yeah, when people don’t accuse those who leave their children in the nursery so they can attend the service of letting the nursery volunteers “raise their children”! What about having grandma babysit on date night?
I think people define those who “let someone else raise their children” to be “anyone who uses childcare more hours/week than I do”.
Jacqueline | 28-Aug-07 at 2:08 pm | Permalink
When I was teaching preschool, I had two kinds of parents - those who were very involved and very much the primary caregiver, and those who very honestly paid you to be the primary caregiver. I had parents who, honest-to-goodness, walked into our classroom, handed my a bag of underwear for their child and said, “Here. Can you have her potty trained in two weeks?” But then we had parents who truly just wanted another set of hands to love and comfort their child when they couldn’t do it. Big difference.
amy | 29-Aug-07 at 8:18 am | Permalink
i think there are obviously extremes in every case..the parents who do abdicate their responsibilities…perhaps not even thrilled about being parents in the first place. and those on the opposite end not willing to allow their child to be influenced at all by anyone other than themselves. i think that older generations (women mostly) do typically take the latter position. my opinion on this would be that in a lot of ways they are out of touch with our generation…what it looks like, feels like to live and have grown up in a different generation/culture. i hear many who spout their opinions on issues like these and many others-as gospel…as if anyone who disagreed was wrong. i’m not trying to dog this generation of women who primarily stayed home…just observing. i think the point here is judgement. it has to stop. a great mother is not determined by anyone elses expectations or opinions. i am not a great mother bc i stay at home with my 2 kids and have the “approval” of my mother in law. i am not a great mom bc my kids don’t attend a preschool or mdo program. a great mom is determined by her family…a great mom knows herself and her family and focuses her time and efforts on THEIR core values..prioritizing for THEM what matters and what doesn’t. it is an epidemic in our society to judge others by our own standards…..and it is killing our families…and our potential for community. makes me sad.
Emily | 30-Aug-07 at 1:43 pm | Permalink
“a great mother is not determined by anyone else’s expectations or opinions.”
That is the most profound thing I’ve read in quite a while. I may quote that somewhere!
and btw I think you are a great mom just because I’ve seen it in action with my own eyes! yes that’s just my opinion but well, I think it’s true. mwah!