thirtyoneblog

I read a great book this past week, It’s All About Him by Denise Jackson. You probably know her better as the wife of country music star Alan Jackson. I heard about this book on the radio and they were talking about how the title of the book probably leads some to believe the book is Denise’s thoughts on her husband. It isn’t. Well, it sort of is, but she’s not saying “it’s all about Alan.” She’s saying, “It’s all about Jesus.” When I heard that, I decided this would be an interesting read for sure.

This book is an interesting glimpse into the life of a fairly private celebrity couple, but more than that, it’s a great lesson about marriage that can apply to anyone, whether they are famous or not. The Jacksons met in high school, married at 19 and 21, and had three children while he was building his career. They were believers, but like so many others, Jesus was more or less on the back burner. They were focused on their lives and making them better, and got way too wrapped up in that and each other and their children.

After 18 years of marriage, they separated. She says that it had a lot to do with her outlook. She was totally wrapped up in her husband and his career. She made few if any decisions on her own, did very little that he wasn’t involved with, and most of all, neglected her spiritual walk. Then with her husband gone, she felt at first like there was nothing left. That was when she turned back to prayer and Bible study and fellowship with other believers. That was when she experienced a rebirth like no other. She says that she would never choose to go through what they went through again, but having experienced it was an enormous blessing because it brought her focus back where it belonged. After they reconciled, they kept a much better balance with Jesus first and spouse after that.

I think many of us struggle with this. Many wives, whether they are strong independent women or meek and mild ones, focus on the husband as the all-important relationship. We get so wrapped up in our marriages and what might make them better that it’s too easy to neglect the most important relationship of all. We could all use a step back to regroup and remember what’s really important. Marriages are incredibly important, but they are second to our spiritual walk, or they ought to be at any rate.

There’s a lesson in this book for every wife, whether she’s famous or the girl next door.

Ah yes, the age-old question. Is working at an office harder than staying at home, or easier? And why? I have to wonder why we even have these conversations. It’s not an argument that can be won, since both jobs are completely different. It’s apples and oranges. And why would you want to “win”? Aren’t we better off appreciating our own jobs for what they are, both pros and cons, and being happy we made the right decision? Presumably people WOH because they want to, and SAH because they want to (generally speaking). So what’s the point?

There was a discussion about this in another forum that I frequent. I’ll repost my comments here:

I don’t think you can say either job is harder. Each one has its difficulties, its rewards, its ups and downs. Each one is hard in its own way, and has advantages over the other in its own way.

I really think it’s impossible to say whose job is harder because they are simply so different. There’s no way to compare. And you know, I think that’s the way it ought to be approached. No good comes of a spitting contest about whose job is harder in a marriage.

Unfortunately, it is in fact true that many WOHPs don’t see the SAH job for what it is, and don’t appreciate how difficult it is until they have to do it (I find this mostly true of men, but it could go either way, since more and more men are choosing to SAH, a trend I find refreshing). But the opposite is also true. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I love my job. If I didn’t, I’d find another option (options, of course, also include staying home). I would hope the same would be said of most of us.

I think a fundamental misunderstanding about women striving to live by Biblical principles is that they have to somehow be very much the same. As in, their lives should look the same. It’s so funny when you stop and think about different women that you admire for their dedication to God, family, work and life, how you admire them for different reasons.

There’s my lovely sister-in-law, who is one of the most delightful people I’ve ever met and who manages to brighten up every room she enters. She stays home with her two beautiful kids and keeps them happy and entertained and takes care of their home. She has a fairly traditional role, as Christian women go, and yet has the same viewpoint as I do in that women should be appreciated for their individual contributions and not judged by those who might choose a different path. It’s very refreshing to talk with her about these issues because though our lives look different in many ways, our foundation is solidly on the same page.

There’s my friend Laura who, along with her husband, has an escalating career that she enjoys. They both work outside the home, and yet it is obvious how happy and well adjusted their daughter is. Laura is a fabulous cook and leaves work every day to make a great dinner for their family (and their daughter eats what they eat, which amazes me - no mac and cheese or fish sticks in that house!). Her husband was recently moved to London and she did not hesitate to move their family there, because it was a great opportunity for his career. It took some time and some understanding bosses to make her career work out there as well, but she considered it well worth the effort. Their children (they have #2 on the way) will grow up having lived in another country and learning that there is a lot of culture and many great experiences to be had outside the U.S.

There’s my cousin who has worked on and off while raising her 5 children, and is currently homeschooling the school-aged ones while caring for the younger ones at the same time. Their family is involved in ministries and missions and is very close, not only with their nuclear family but with our large extended family as well.

There’s our friend from church who has two children and a successful career as a partner in a local law firm. Her husband is a teacher, and stayed home with their oldest child for nearly her first two years of life. (This, by the way, is another example of how I think dads don’t get nearly enough credit in the “traditional” Christian family model). They too are a happy family because they worked out their lives and routines in the way that made the most sense for them as unique people, while at the same time remaining committed what is really important as Christians.

I would say, for all these women, their worth is far above jewels.

I wanted to share a really neat site that I have come to enjoy over the past few years:  www.the-generous-wife.com. 

It has a lot of tips on nice, fun and romantic things to do, and message boards to chat about these things.  I also get a daily email from them.  They usually have a theme:  prayer, kindness, friendship, romance, etc.  I don’t use them all, but I get some fun ideas and it’s nice to get a daily reminder of how we should be treating each other.

There is also a companion site www.the-generous-husband.com. 

I might as well get this out of the way, because a lot of future posts will come from it.  It’s well known that plenty of churches, and plenty of people (who write plenty of books on marriage), feel that the only correct place for a married woman, and especially one who has children, is at home.  Not in an office.

 I’ll be perfectly blunt:  I think that’s bunk.

I think SAH is a great choice for those for whom and for whose families it works.  I know lots of wives who SAH, and lots of moms who SAH, and they have no doubt they made the best possible choice.  Everyone involved is as happy as a clam.  Some did it because it’s what they always dreamed of, some did it because when it came time for the choice they felt there wasn’t one at all, and some did it because after careful consideration, the scale came down on that side.  Regardless of how it came about, they are still doing what they believe to be best.  I applaud these folks, because their choice is not always easy.  Unfortunately, there are way too many women who think that any woman who wants to SAH, much like any woman who believes in submitting to her husband, is setting all womankind back a hundred years or two.  That’s ridiculous.  How can a woman choosing to do what makes her happy and fulfilled, be an affront to feminism and progress?

However, the reverse is also true, and unfortunately, instead of “society” or a bunch of perfect strangers disapproving of their choice, WOH women find disapproval from the very people who should be supporting them: their close family, friends, and church.  IMNSHO, this is way worse.   I don’t care what strangers think of me.  But I do care what people in my inner circle think.  And when they try to say that my having a job is going against God’s will for wives (and mothers, but I am not one right now), it’s just plain offensive and hurtful.

They base this primarily on Titus 2:5 “…to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands…”  But I fail to see how “to be busy at home” translates to “don’t leave home.”  Because let’s think about it, for how long have people been leaving home for work?  Not long.  A hundred years ago and beyond, everyone worked at home.  Right?  The advent of leaving the house and driving to the office is a fairly modern development.  When the Bible was written, men certainly didn’t get in the car and drive to a downtown high-rise while women never left the house.

And if you look at Proverbs 31, there is a lot about women working in a lot of capacities.  “She brings food from afar.”  “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.”  ” She watches over the affairs of her household.”  This last verse, by the way, is exactly what I think is meant by Titus 2:5.  Women watch over the affairs of the house and make it a home.

What makes no sense about those who say women should not work is that they are not consistent.  Generally you find them listing a number of circumstances where working is acceptable, such as when the husband dies or becomes disabled.  But shouldn’t the husband have provided for those circumstances?  What about life and disability insurance?  I don’t see these folks citing any Scripture that says, “Wives should stay at home, except…..”  If women should stay at home, then they should stay at home.  If it’s acceptable for women to work sometimes…….well, my point exactly.

My whole view on this subject is that no family’s needs are the same.  And those who advocate a one size fits all approach for breadwinning are ignoring this completely.

Submission.  Is that not possibly the most misunderstood word in all of Christianity?

 There was a lively discussion on this topic recently on a message board that I frequent.  This board is not focused on Christians, in fact I’d venture to say the majority aren’t.  For this reason, it provides me a lot of opportunities to get broad reactions to a variety of subjects, and lots of opportunities to discuss (OK, perhaps debate is sometimes a better word) my beliefs with others.  It all started with a posting of a recent news article about the Duggar family.  For those living under a rock, this is the family who just added their 17th child, and say they aren’t necessarily done.  While I can’t imagine wanting to be pregnant for nearly 13 years of my life, much less raising that many kids to adulthood, I have no beef with them and their family planning.  Not my problem, and if they’re happy, then who cares?  But that’s not even the point.

The point is that through their family site, www.duggarfamily.com, their beliefs are fairly apparent.  They are Christians, fairly fundamentalist ones.  Specifically, they pay a lot of heed to Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”  Needless to say, this concept is horrifying to nonbelievers, and some believers as well.  The very idea, for a woman to submit to her husband!  Decades of feminism down the drain!

But does this really have anything to do with feminism or lack thereof?  I think not.  I’m a fairly strong, independent woman.  These are traits my husband likes, or at least that’s what he tells me.  I’m generally nobody’s fool, and I’m certainly not lacking in opinions.  And in my opinion, wifely submission doesn’t have anything to do with being a doormat.  God clearly intends for the husband to be head of the household and for wives to submit to their husbands’ authority.  To me, what this means is that if there is a difficult decision to be made and the couple is at a standstill in their discussion, the husband should make that decision. 

What some people seem to think is that this means wives don’t get any input into family issues and decisions.  Um, no.  Who said that?  A smart husband will consider his wife’s input (even if it’s ill-informed, as some of my input can be, especially if it relates to cars, Star Trek, or home networking).  I would think that a couple following the principles of Ephesians 5 would communicate constantly about family decisions.  It’s a partnership, not a dictatorship, but for some reason, people think that “submission” means “cower and let the jerk run over you.”  They think that a submissive wife rushes to do her husband’s bidding without a question or a thought, and that a husband who is head of the household is someone who comes home every night and sits in front of the TV without a word except to demand his dinner and a beer.  Hello?

And then there’s the “well, is a woman called to submit to a husband who is abusive?”  Two things on that.  First, well, a big NO.  Submitting to the husband as head of household does not equal allowing him to be emotionally or physically abusive.  And second, a husband who is also called to follow the principles of Ephesians 5 will be loving, not abusive.  That’s the whole point of Ephesians 5, that husbands and wives follow the God-given roles and focus on their own behavior, not the other person’s.  In my personal opinion, that’s what’s wrong with a lot of marriages now.  Not necessarily that they don’t follow Biblical roles, or the wives don’t submit, or anything like that.  Rather, that they are all about what “I” want, or what “I” think, or what “you” aren’t doing for me.  I have always heard and believed that true love is when the other person’s needs surpass your own.  Is this not true?

That brings me to the next passage, which conveniently gets left out of a lot of these discussions.  Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”  That means my husband ought to love me enough to die for me.  And I know he would.  Who could possibly say that a relationship like that is abusive or unfair or uneven?  Personally, I think that I got the easier end of the deal.  Submit to authority vs. loving to the point of death?  While I certainly do love my husband that much, the point is that I think what he was called to do is a lot more difficult than what I was called to do.

I just don’t think people who don’t believe in these principles can understand what it is like to try to live them.  Now, don’t misunderstand me.  That is not a criticism of these people or of their marriages.  It’s simply a fact.  Some Biblical principles can be understood on some level by nonbelievers, even if they disagree with them.  But this one, I truly feel is baffling to so many people.  And many people think that it’s damaging to society as a whole.  They think that if girls are taught that as wives they should submit to their husbands as to the Lord, that it will undo years of progress on the part of women.  Now, mind you, I am not against feminism.  Without it, I couldn’t vote, couldn’t own property, and certainly could have gotten the education I did or the job I have.  What I am against is what I like to call femiNazis, which I’m sure I will rant about in a future post.  But to my point, I think this fear that some people have is based on misunderstanding.  They think that teaching women to submit will damage all mankind (or womankind).  I think that is way off base.