thirtyoneblog

Ah yes, the age-old question. Is working at an office harder than staying at home, or easier? And why? I have to wonder why we even have these conversations. It’s not an argument that can be won, since both jobs are completely different. It’s apples and oranges. And why would you want to “win”? Aren’t we better off appreciating our own jobs for what they are, both pros and cons, and being happy we made the right decision? Presumably people WOH because they want to, and SAH because they want to (generally speaking). So what’s the point?

There was a discussion about this in another forum that I frequent. I’ll repost my comments here:

I don’t think you can say either job is harder. Each one has its difficulties, its rewards, its ups and downs. Each one is hard in its own way, and has advantages over the other in its own way.

I really think it’s impossible to say whose job is harder because they are simply so different. There’s no way to compare. And you know, I think that’s the way it ought to be approached. No good comes of a spitting contest about whose job is harder in a marriage.

Unfortunately, it is in fact true that many WOHPs don’t see the SAH job for what it is, and don’t appreciate how difficult it is until they have to do it (I find this mostly true of men, but it could go either way, since more and more men are choosing to SAH, a trend I find refreshing). But the opposite is also true. Why do we do this to ourselves?

I love my job. If I didn’t, I’d find another option (options, of course, also include staying home). I would hope the same would be said of most of us.

I think a fundamental misunderstanding about women striving to live by Biblical principles is that they have to somehow be very much the same. As in, their lives should look the same. It’s so funny when you stop and think about different women that you admire for their dedication to God, family, work and life, how you admire them for different reasons.

There’s my lovely sister-in-law, who is one of the most delightful people I’ve ever met and who manages to brighten up every room she enters. She stays home with her two beautiful kids and keeps them happy and entertained and takes care of their home. She has a fairly traditional role, as Christian women go, and yet has the same viewpoint as I do in that women should be appreciated for their individual contributions and not judged by those who might choose a different path. It’s very refreshing to talk with her about these issues because though our lives look different in many ways, our foundation is solidly on the same page.

There’s my friend Laura who, along with her husband, has an escalating career that she enjoys. They both work outside the home, and yet it is obvious how happy and well adjusted their daughter is. Laura is a fabulous cook and leaves work every day to make a great dinner for their family (and their daughter eats what they eat, which amazes me - no mac and cheese or fish sticks in that house!). Her husband was recently moved to London and she did not hesitate to move their family there, because it was a great opportunity for his career. It took some time and some understanding bosses to make her career work out there as well, but she considered it well worth the effort. Their children (they have #2 on the way) will grow up having lived in another country and learning that there is a lot of culture and many great experiences to be had outside the U.S.

There’s my cousin who has worked on and off while raising her 5 children, and is currently homeschooling the school-aged ones while caring for the younger ones at the same time. Their family is involved in ministries and missions and is very close, not only with their nuclear family but with our large extended family as well.

There’s our friend from church who has two children and a successful career as a partner in a local law firm. Her husband is a teacher, and stayed home with their oldest child for nearly her first two years of life. (This, by the way, is another example of how I think dads don’t get nearly enough credit in the “traditional” Christian family model). They too are a happy family because they worked out their lives and routines in the way that made the most sense for them as unique people, while at the same time remaining committed what is really important as Christians.

I would say, for all these women, their worth is far above jewels.

This is one of the most bothersome phrases I have heard lately.  That is, when it refers to someone other than parents, and specifically childcare providers during the day while parents are working.  To be fair, it seems to be mostly used by the older generations, who I suppose are still not used to the idea that it is now quite common for mothers to have employment outside the home.  But that doesn’t make it less bothersome, or less incorrect (Is that a double negative?  Whatever).

I guess this really depends on what you think of as raising children.  To me, it’s a lot more than taking care of their basic needs like food, naps, or what have you.  It’s loving them as only parents can.  It’s instilling in them your values for living, and hoping they grow up with similar ones.  It’s molding and shaping them as part of your family, your flesh and blood.  It’s taking ultimate responsibility for them.  It’s knowing that you’re where the buck stops.  And I’m not even a parent.  If I was, I’m sure I could write a whole dissertation on what raising children is.  But even with my limited exposure to the subject, I tend to think that anyone who thinks that raising children is all-encompassed by providing their basic needs for a few hours a day, is really missing the point.

I really think “letting someone else raise your children” is used to try to make working moms feel guilty.  To make them feel like they’re passing off their responsibilities to someone outside the family.  To make them think they’re less of a parent because they don’t stay home.  I’m not sure why people feel the need to do this, but apparently they do.  I’m not sure how it benefits anyone to accuse someone else of letting another person raise their kids.  Maybe it’s our own human tendency to tear other down so we feel built up. 

Recently someone was talking to me about her former job at a daycare.  She remarked on how bad she felt for the kids that were being left there, and how sad it was that she “became their mom” (her words exactly) while the parents were at work.  I think I just mumbled something and tried to change the subject, because if I had spoken my mind, it would not have been pretty.

And I have to wonder, why do we not accuse parents who send their children to school during the day of letting someone else raise them?  Why do we not accuse parents who take advantage of part time care situations like Mother’s Day Out or preschools of letting someone else raise the children?  What exactly is the criteria for parents to be letting someone else raise their children?  Puzzling questions, these.

I almost titled this “To work or not to work, part II” but I am pretty sure we would be up to Part C and beyond before I am done with this, since I have so much to say on that particular subject.

But, specifically with regard to dads, that is the subject of one of my concerns about the All Women Must Stay Home mindset.  I think the idea that all women must stay home and that they should be the primary childcare givers at all times, can be really demeaning to fathers and their role.  The assumption is that only women can take care of their kids and do it right.  That dads are clueless and can’t be left alone with kids even for a short time, for fear they just can’t deal.  Now, to be fair, some dads aggravate this by being (or acting) clueless.  But, they don’t have to be.  That’s the whole principle behind shared parenting.  No parent should feel like he or she doesn’t know how to do that job. 

That is where I get to one of my biggest pet peeves.  The term “babysitting” when it is applied to fathers (Note that I have never heard this term used in regard to mothers).  People, babysitting is something teenagers do with kids who aren’t theirs.  I have friends who have been out and about alone and been asked, “where are the kids, is DH babysitting?”  A few of them told me it took all they had not to answer, “No, he’s *parenting*.”

Another of my pet peeves related to parenting is the term “we’re pregnant,” because as far as I’m aware, for men to be pregnant is a biological impossibility, but I’ll get to that another time.