thirtyoneblog

I’m a bit of a funk today. Had a nice weekend, a good and productive day yesterday, enjoyed dinner and time at home after work, and got to bed at a decent hour. But today, even though it’s not a bad day, is still one for being in a funk.

First, as we all know it’s the 6th anniversary of the Sept 11 attacks and since it is a Tuesday today, the same day it happened, that’s a little unsettling. I’ve been thinking about that a lot and it doesn’t seem possible that 6 years have passed.

Then at work today, someone forwarded me an email with a news story about a co-worker of mine in Canada. He went to the river for some water sports on Saturday but never showed up to meet his wife for dinner afterwards. Then on Sunday someone found his jet-ski abandoned in the river, and his usual life jacket was at his house (so, they assume he wasn’t wearing one Saturday). The police have been searching for him for two days and called it off this morning. While a miracle is always possible, I’m fairly sure he’s gone. He was 44, had a family, was a terrific co-worker, and it ends like this? I’ve been in a funk over that all day.

And I heard this song and it just made me want to cry. How true this is. Don’t blink.

Don’t blink, just like that you’re six years old and you take a nap
Wake up and you’re 25, and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife.
Don’t blink, you just might miss your babies growing like mine did.
Turning into moms and dads, next thing you know, your better half
Of 50 years is there in bed, and you’re praying God takes you instead.
Trust me now, 100 years goes faster than you think.
Don’t blink.

All I want to do is go home and hug my sweet husband a little tighter, and be thankful we have what we have.

I’m different than a lot of girls. I don’t like shopping. I love sports. I’m good with a hammer and screwdriver. And I can’t even pretend to be interested in scrapbooking.

Sometimes I wonder how much of that is me, and how much of that is just me wanting to be different.

Because I like being different. I don’t want to be predictable. Don’t want to do what people might assume or expect just because of my gender. I like the idea that women can be a lot of things, and most of those aren’t what people would think. I like surprising people by the fact that I can carry a couple of weeks’ worth of clothes on an airplane, while most people would expect a girl to overpack to the extreme. I like shopping at Home Depot and knowing what the heck I’m doing. I like being included in the poker game (yes, this has happened). But even though I like and thrive on being different, when I think about it I don’t think that’s my reason for it. It just is.

I was talking to someone at church today, and she mentioned she remembered our big screen TV from last year’s Super Bowl party, and asked if Jason was enjoying watching football on it these days. (Don’t ask me how our TV came up in the conversation. This girl tends to ask you very random things). I said, no, as a matter of fact he doesn’t care about football at all, but that I was a huge fan. She laughed like that was the oddest thing ever mentioned. I was almost annoyed. Since when can’t a girl like football?

I’ll admit I was bugged by a women’s dinner at church awhile back, where the dinner was an assortment of salads. I wanted to ask, where’s the chicken fried steak? I mean, I like salads and all, but why do people think that’s all that women want to eat? Can you imagine if they served those same salads at the men’s dinner? I have to chuckle just thinking about it.

I think that all of us are precious individuals, and while there are certain roles that are God-intended to be separated by gender, I think there are way too many stereotypes out there, within the church and out.

So come watch the football game with me. Let’s get the girls together for some Texas Hold ‘Em. And I’ll bring some hot wings.

I think a fundamental misunderstanding about women striving to live by Biblical principles is that they have to somehow be very much the same. As in, their lives should look the same. It’s so funny when you stop and think about different women that you admire for their dedication to God, family, work and life, how you admire them for different reasons.

There’s my lovely sister-in-law, who is one of the most delightful people I’ve ever met and who manages to brighten up every room she enters. She stays home with her two beautiful kids and keeps them happy and entertained and takes care of their home. She has a fairly traditional role, as Christian women go, and yet has the same viewpoint as I do in that women should be appreciated for their individual contributions and not judged by those who might choose a different path. It’s very refreshing to talk with her about these issues because though our lives look different in many ways, our foundation is solidly on the same page.

There’s my friend Laura who, along with her husband, has an escalating career that she enjoys. They both work outside the home, and yet it is obvious how happy and well adjusted their daughter is. Laura is a fabulous cook and leaves work every day to make a great dinner for their family (and their daughter eats what they eat, which amazes me - no mac and cheese or fish sticks in that house!). Her husband was recently moved to London and she did not hesitate to move their family there, because it was a great opportunity for his career. It took some time and some understanding bosses to make her career work out there as well, but she considered it well worth the effort. Their children (they have #2 on the way) will grow up having lived in another country and learning that there is a lot of culture and many great experiences to be had outside the U.S.

There’s my cousin who has worked on and off while raising her 5 children, and is currently homeschooling the school-aged ones while caring for the younger ones at the same time. Their family is involved in ministries and missions and is very close, not only with their nuclear family but with our large extended family as well.

There’s our friend from church who has two children and a successful career as a partner in a local law firm. Her husband is a teacher, and stayed home with their oldest child for nearly her first two years of life. (This, by the way, is another example of how I think dads don’t get nearly enough credit in the “traditional” Christian family model). They too are a happy family because they worked out their lives and routines in the way that made the most sense for them as unique people, while at the same time remaining committed what is really important as Christians.

I would say, for all these women, their worth is far above jewels.

This is one of the most bothersome phrases I have heard lately.  That is, when it refers to someone other than parents, and specifically childcare providers during the day while parents are working.  To be fair, it seems to be mostly used by the older generations, who I suppose are still not used to the idea that it is now quite common for mothers to have employment outside the home.  But that doesn’t make it less bothersome, or less incorrect (Is that a double negative?  Whatever).

I guess this really depends on what you think of as raising children.  To me, it’s a lot more than taking care of their basic needs like food, naps, or what have you.  It’s loving them as only parents can.  It’s instilling in them your values for living, and hoping they grow up with similar ones.  It’s molding and shaping them as part of your family, your flesh and blood.  It’s taking ultimate responsibility for them.  It’s knowing that you’re where the buck stops.  And I’m not even a parent.  If I was, I’m sure I could write a whole dissertation on what raising children is.  But even with my limited exposure to the subject, I tend to think that anyone who thinks that raising children is all-encompassed by providing their basic needs for a few hours a day, is really missing the point.

I really think “letting someone else raise your children” is used to try to make working moms feel guilty.  To make them feel like they’re passing off their responsibilities to someone outside the family.  To make them think they’re less of a parent because they don’t stay home.  I’m not sure why people feel the need to do this, but apparently they do.  I’m not sure how it benefits anyone to accuse someone else of letting another person raise their kids.  Maybe it’s our own human tendency to tear other down so we feel built up. 

Recently someone was talking to me about her former job at a daycare.  She remarked on how bad she felt for the kids that were being left there, and how sad it was that she “became their mom” (her words exactly) while the parents were at work.  I think I just mumbled something and tried to change the subject, because if I had spoken my mind, it would not have been pretty.

And I have to wonder, why do we not accuse parents who send their children to school during the day of letting someone else raise them?  Why do we not accuse parents who take advantage of part time care situations like Mother’s Day Out or preschools of letting someone else raise the children?  What exactly is the criteria for parents to be letting someone else raise their children?  Puzzling questions, these.

Women really struggle with gossip.  Why is that?  I truly think this is one of THE most difficult sins to guard against for us. 

And it’s different for adults, at least for me.  Maybe that’s because most of the people I know are married and fairly happy.  There’s none of the “he dumped her for WHO?” that we all got into in high school.  Most of what I struggle with is celebrity gossip.  I don’t know why this stuff so fascinates me, but I really don’t think it’s something I should be filling my head with. 

Now, I guess there’s a fine line between knowing what is going on with the world and in lusting after dirt on famous people.  It’s one thing to know that Paris Hilton went to jail. It’s another thing to sit refreshing the TMZ website all afternoon on the day she went there (Yes, I did this).

I guess maybe we are jealous of fame and fortune on some level, and so it gives us some satisfaction to see someone knocked down a peg or two?  Maybe that makes them seem more normal?  Maybe we are just fascinated by the glitter?  I mean, I don’t know anyone who regularly jets off to Tahiti on a private plane or spends nights clubbing in NYC on a normal Saturday night (without waiting behind the velvet rope, of course). 

I continue to ponder why we care so much about the private lives of people we’ve never met and probably never will.  I’m sure this isn’t what Proverbs 31 meant by not eating the bread of idleness, not to mention being of noble character.

I almost titled this “To work or not to work, part II” but I am pretty sure we would be up to Part C and beyond before I am done with this, since I have so much to say on that particular subject.

But, specifically with regard to dads, that is the subject of one of my concerns about the All Women Must Stay Home mindset.  I think the idea that all women must stay home and that they should be the primary childcare givers at all times, can be really demeaning to fathers and their role.  The assumption is that only women can take care of their kids and do it right.  That dads are clueless and can’t be left alone with kids even for a short time, for fear they just can’t deal.  Now, to be fair, some dads aggravate this by being (or acting) clueless.  But, they don’t have to be.  That’s the whole principle behind shared parenting.  No parent should feel like he or she doesn’t know how to do that job. 

That is where I get to one of my biggest pet peeves.  The term “babysitting” when it is applied to fathers (Note that I have never heard this term used in regard to mothers).  People, babysitting is something teenagers do with kids who aren’t theirs.  I have friends who have been out and about alone and been asked, “where are the kids, is DH babysitting?”  A few of them told me it took all they had not to answer, “No, he’s *parenting*.”

Another of my pet peeves related to parenting is the term “we’re pregnant,” because as far as I’m aware, for men to be pregnant is a biological impossibility, but I’ll get to that another time.

I wanted to share a really neat site that I have come to enjoy over the past few years:  www.the-generous-wife.com. 

It has a lot of tips on nice, fun and romantic things to do, and message boards to chat about these things.  I also get a daily email from them.  They usually have a theme:  prayer, kindness, friendship, romance, etc.  I don’t use them all, but I get some fun ideas and it’s nice to get a daily reminder of how we should be treating each other.

There is also a companion site www.the-generous-husband.com. 

I might as well get this out of the way, because a lot of future posts will come from it.  It’s well known that plenty of churches, and plenty of people (who write plenty of books on marriage), feel that the only correct place for a married woman, and especially one who has children, is at home.  Not in an office.

 I’ll be perfectly blunt:  I think that’s bunk.

I think SAH is a great choice for those for whom and for whose families it works.  I know lots of wives who SAH, and lots of moms who SAH, and they have no doubt they made the best possible choice.  Everyone involved is as happy as a clam.  Some did it because it’s what they always dreamed of, some did it because when it came time for the choice they felt there wasn’t one at all, and some did it because after careful consideration, the scale came down on that side.  Regardless of how it came about, they are still doing what they believe to be best.  I applaud these folks, because their choice is not always easy.  Unfortunately, there are way too many women who think that any woman who wants to SAH, much like any woman who believes in submitting to her husband, is setting all womankind back a hundred years or two.  That’s ridiculous.  How can a woman choosing to do what makes her happy and fulfilled, be an affront to feminism and progress?

However, the reverse is also true, and unfortunately, instead of “society” or a bunch of perfect strangers disapproving of their choice, WOH women find disapproval from the very people who should be supporting them: their close family, friends, and church.  IMNSHO, this is way worse.   I don’t care what strangers think of me.  But I do care what people in my inner circle think.  And when they try to say that my having a job is going against God’s will for wives (and mothers, but I am not one right now), it’s just plain offensive and hurtful.

They base this primarily on Titus 2:5 “…to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands…”  But I fail to see how “to be busy at home” translates to “don’t leave home.”  Because let’s think about it, for how long have people been leaving home for work?  Not long.  A hundred years ago and beyond, everyone worked at home.  Right?  The advent of leaving the house and driving to the office is a fairly modern development.  When the Bible was written, men certainly didn’t get in the car and drive to a downtown high-rise while women never left the house.

And if you look at Proverbs 31, there is a lot about women working in a lot of capacities.  “She brings food from afar.”  “She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.”  ” She watches over the affairs of her household.”  This last verse, by the way, is exactly what I think is meant by Titus 2:5.  Women watch over the affairs of the house and make it a home.

What makes no sense about those who say women should not work is that they are not consistent.  Generally you find them listing a number of circumstances where working is acceptable, such as when the husband dies or becomes disabled.  But shouldn’t the husband have provided for those circumstances?  What about life and disability insurance?  I don’t see these folks citing any Scripture that says, “Wives should stay at home, except…..”  If women should stay at home, then they should stay at home.  If it’s acceptable for women to work sometimes…….well, my point exactly.

My whole view on this subject is that no family’s needs are the same.  And those who advocate a one size fits all approach for breadwinning are ignoring this completely.

Submission.  Is that not possibly the most misunderstood word in all of Christianity?

 There was a lively discussion on this topic recently on a message board that I frequent.  This board is not focused on Christians, in fact I’d venture to say the majority aren’t.  For this reason, it provides me a lot of opportunities to get broad reactions to a variety of subjects, and lots of opportunities to discuss (OK, perhaps debate is sometimes a better word) my beliefs with others.  It all started with a posting of a recent news article about the Duggar family.  For those living under a rock, this is the family who just added their 17th child, and say they aren’t necessarily done.  While I can’t imagine wanting to be pregnant for nearly 13 years of my life, much less raising that many kids to adulthood, I have no beef with them and their family planning.  Not my problem, and if they’re happy, then who cares?  But that’s not even the point.

The point is that through their family site, www.duggarfamily.com, their beliefs are fairly apparent.  They are Christians, fairly fundamentalist ones.  Specifically, they pay a lot of heed to Ephesians 5:22, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”  Needless to say, this concept is horrifying to nonbelievers, and some believers as well.  The very idea, for a woman to submit to her husband!  Decades of feminism down the drain!

But does this really have anything to do with feminism or lack thereof?  I think not.  I’m a fairly strong, independent woman.  These are traits my husband likes, or at least that’s what he tells me.  I’m generally nobody’s fool, and I’m certainly not lacking in opinions.  And in my opinion, wifely submission doesn’t have anything to do with being a doormat.  God clearly intends for the husband to be head of the household and for wives to submit to their husbands’ authority.  To me, what this means is that if there is a difficult decision to be made and the couple is at a standstill in their discussion, the husband should make that decision. 

What some people seem to think is that this means wives don’t get any input into family issues and decisions.  Um, no.  Who said that?  A smart husband will consider his wife’s input (even if it’s ill-informed, as some of my input can be, especially if it relates to cars, Star Trek, or home networking).  I would think that a couple following the principles of Ephesians 5 would communicate constantly about family decisions.  It’s a partnership, not a dictatorship, but for some reason, people think that “submission” means “cower and let the jerk run over you.”  They think that a submissive wife rushes to do her husband’s bidding without a question or a thought, and that a husband who is head of the household is someone who comes home every night and sits in front of the TV without a word except to demand his dinner and a beer.  Hello?

And then there’s the “well, is a woman called to submit to a husband who is abusive?”  Two things on that.  First, well, a big NO.  Submitting to the husband as head of household does not equal allowing him to be emotionally or physically abusive.  And second, a husband who is also called to follow the principles of Ephesians 5 will be loving, not abusive.  That’s the whole point of Ephesians 5, that husbands and wives follow the God-given roles and focus on their own behavior, not the other person’s.  In my personal opinion, that’s what’s wrong with a lot of marriages now.  Not necessarily that they don’t follow Biblical roles, or the wives don’t submit, or anything like that.  Rather, that they are all about what “I” want, or what “I” think, or what “you” aren’t doing for me.  I have always heard and believed that true love is when the other person’s needs surpass your own.  Is this not true?

That brings me to the next passage, which conveniently gets left out of a lot of these discussions.  Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”  That means my husband ought to love me enough to die for me.  And I know he would.  Who could possibly say that a relationship like that is abusive or unfair or uneven?  Personally, I think that I got the easier end of the deal.  Submit to authority vs. loving to the point of death?  While I certainly do love my husband that much, the point is that I think what he was called to do is a lot more difficult than what I was called to do.

I just don’t think people who don’t believe in these principles can understand what it is like to try to live them.  Now, don’t misunderstand me.  That is not a criticism of these people or of their marriages.  It’s simply a fact.  Some Biblical principles can be understood on some level by nonbelievers, even if they disagree with them.  But this one, I truly feel is baffling to so many people.  And many people think that it’s damaging to society as a whole.  They think that if girls are taught that as wives they should submit to their husbands as to the Lord, that it will undo years of progress on the part of women.  Now, mind you, I am not against feminism.  Without it, I couldn’t vote, couldn’t own property, and certainly could have gotten the education I did or the job I have.  What I am against is what I like to call femiNazis, which I’m sure I will rant about in a future post.  But to my point, I think this fear that some people have is based on misunderstanding.  They think that teaching women to submit will damage all mankind (or womankind).  I think that is way off base.

As you can see from the subtitle, this is my attempt to corral all the thoughts in my head related to being a Christian woman and wife, much as they describe in Proverbs 31.  I have a lot of thoughts on things I’ve experienced and also things I haven’t.  I think a lot of Christian women these days are misunderstood by the secular world, and often even misunderstood by their brothers and sisters in Christ.   The “church” has a lot to do with it.  By that I mean, the denominations and rituals that are, as my wise husband has said, man made and not necessarily Biblical.  I’ll get into a lot of that at some point.

 A little about me, I’m a born and raised Texan, married to my best friend who unfortunately for me, I didn’t meet until I was 30.  My loss, don’t you think?  I have a great job and a great career (no, those aren’t necessarily the same, I’ll talk more on that as well) that I love.  I’m a Texas Tech alumna and despite that, Aggies are welcome here, just know that we have your number come October 13. :D  I love to cook, love to travel and see the world, and spend time with family and friends.  I hate to clean house, and I moderately tolerate shopping - yes I know, not very girly of me. 

I welcome comments and discussion on my thoughts, and I know not everyone will agree, but that is what makes the world interesting.  I know the “church” disagrees on quite a bit of what I will say, but I suspect many of you will be on board with that concept of following your heart, God’s direction and His word, rather than what the Baptists or Presbyterians or Catholics think.

I’ll be back with a more substantive post when I gather my thoughts and then proceed to expound on them.